Писатель Илья Розенфельд

 Next stop: Life and Death . The tabooest topic. We’re afraid of Death, even though it’s Death that gives Life its meaning. Without a deadline, no project (including life) would ever get finished. Let’s pull the Grim Reaper’s hood off and see who’s hiding under there. Spoiler: not a skeleton—an exhausted bureaucrat. The Legend of Life and Death (The Bureaucracy of Eternity) Doctors say: “Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.” True. We’re all patients in a hospice called “Earth.” Yet we act like we’re going to live forever. We take out thirty-year mortgages, buy anti-wrinkle cream, and grind out abs—though the worms couldn’t care less whether we’ve got a six-pack or not. Death isn’t a villain. Death is a cleaner. Picture a party that goes on forever. The guests are drunk, the dishes are smashed, the music is blaring, everyone’s puking, and nobody leaves. Death is a kind woman with a mop who turns the music off, cracks the windows, and says, ...

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics. This is the science of how to turn a thousand unique, bleeding tragedies into one boring, convenient number. Statistics is the meat grinder of reality, producing a uniform mince of "indicators" at the output. Gods of Chaos create individuality. Gods of Order create statistics. And the latter are far more terrifying. The Average Human In the Chamber of Weights and Measures, inside a vacuum flask, lives the creepiest creature in the Universe. His name is the Average Man . He has one breast. One testicle. One and a half legs. In his stomach, there is always 200 grams of alcohol splashing, and 0.3 packs of cigarettes settle in his lungs. He has 1.7 children, whom he loves 54%. He is neither man nor woman. He is the Norm. Gods fear him. Because he is invulnerable. You cannot kill him — if you kill a thousand people, the Average Man will just slightly frown and change the mortality rate by 0.001%. He is the anchor of our world....

They say that language was given to man to conceal his thoughts. This is only partially true. Language was given to plebeians to lie. Diplomacy , however, was granted to the chosen few to conceal the absence of thoughts. What is diplomacy? It is the art of saying "Go to hell!" with such warmth and concern that the opponent immediately begins packing their bags, anticipating an exciting journey. It is the ability to pet a dog while the muzzle is not yet ready. The First Consultant The history of diplomacy began not in the embassy offices of Vienna, but in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was not a villain. He was the first cultural attaché. When the Serpent offered Eve the apple, he didn't lie. God forbid, diplomats don't lie—they "contextualize the truth." — "Will you die?" the Serpent asked ingratiatingly, adjusting an invisible tie. — "What vulgar simplifications. Let's put it this way: consumption of this agricultural produc...

In the beginning, there was Chaos. And Chaos was beautiful, but absolutely non-functional. The Gods created worlds, hurled lightning bolts, and lit stars, but no one recorded the coordinates. As a result, entire galaxies were lost in the folds of eternity, and heroes who performed feats could not receive their due ambrosia because they were not listed on the payroll. It was then that this figure emerged. No one knows his name. The Sumerians claimed the stranger emerged from the waters of the Tigris , clutching a lump of raw clay. The Egyptians whispered that he was born from the shadow of the Sphinx. We, however, shall call him the First Clerk .  He looked at the riot of elements, adjusted his non-existent glasses, and uttered the first bureaucratic spell in history:  — "And where is the permit for the creation of light?" The Gods were taken aback. They were not used to questions. They were used to hymns.  — "I am the Alpha and the Omega!" thundered the Creator...

Protocol of Family Efficiency Morning in the Able family, officially classified as the Small Enterprise "Joy and Obligation", always began with protocol violations. Senior Manager of Resource Provision, Mr. Able, 42, realized on the fourth minute of his shift that his KPI for "Timely Removal of MSW" (the garbage bag) was under threat. — Mrs. Brook , — he formally addressed his wife, the Operations Director, who, without batting an eye, stood over the stove, controlling the "100% readiness of daily nutrition" (three cheesecakes on a plate), — I have recorded a critical failure in logistics. The MSW bag was not moved to the disposal zone before 7:30, as stipulated by Clause 4.1 of the "Internal Family Regulations". Mrs. Brook did not even turn around. — The failure is not critical, Mr. Able. The HR Department reminds us that today, the Junior Training Specialist , Junior, 10, has a presentation on the project " The Role of the Beav...

In a certain country, there existed an unusual social order. At the head of the state stood the Minister of Thoughts, and his Ministry was considered the most important—unlike the models of governance familiar to us in most countries of the world. Every citizen of this country was occupied with a single task: generating thoughts and transmitting the results of their mental labor to the Minister through the numerous employees of his Ministry. These employees were also engaged in thinking activity, day and night thinking over, re-thinking, and filtering the ideas of others before passing them on for the Minister's consideration. Thoughts receiving approval were sent to the Bank of Thoughts, and their creators were rewarded. However, rewards did not always reach the addressees—a portion was pocketed by Ministry employees. In the case of unapproved thoughts, responsibility lay with their creators. Although Ministry employees could "embellish" the thoughts before submission,...

Introduction For centuries, people have wondered: What do ministers actually do? Do they sit in their offices, solving the nation’s problems? Or do they sip coffee, staring out their windows at pigeons? Governments always respond with riddles, but if you take their titles literally, the answers become obvious. It’s simpler—and far more absurd—than anyone imagined. In this collection, ministries are reimagined exactly as their names suggest. Minister of the Treasure ( שר האוצר ) Each morning, the Minister of the Treasure dons an Indiana Jones hat, grabs a shovel, and leads their team of national archaeologists into the Negev Desert. With metal detectors in hand, they dig tirelessly for the country’s "hidden budget." To boost morale, the Ministry hosts treasure hunt livestreams. However, protesters outside the Ministry chant: "Gold doesn’t pay our bills!" The Minister reassures them: "The treasure is close. Just keep believing!" Minis...