Introduction
For
centuries, people have wondered: What do ministers actually do? Do they sit in
their offices, solving the nation’s problems? Or do they sip coffee, staring
out their windows at pigeons? Governments always respond with riddles, but if
you take their titles literally, the answers become obvious.
It’s
simpler—and far more absurd—than anyone imagined. In this collection,
ministries are reimagined exactly as their names suggest.
Minister of the Treasure (שר האוצר)
Each morning, the Minister of the Treasure dons an Indiana
Jones hat, grabs a shovel, and leads their team of national archaeologists into
the Negev Desert. With metal
detectors in hand, they dig tirelessly for the country’s "hidden
budget."
To boost
morale, the Ministry hosts treasure hunt livestreams. However, protesters
outside the Ministry chant: "Gold doesn’t pay our bills!" The
Minister reassures them: "The treasure is close. Just keep
believing!"
Minister of Confidence (שר הביטחון)
The Minister of Confidence starts their day with meditation
and positive affirmations: "I am doing great. No one will find out the truth."
Their job
is to ensure the public feels confident—whether it’s warranted or not. The
Ministry installs signs across cities reading, "Everything is under
control," while riot police monitor weekly protests in Rabin Square, just
in case confidence falters.
Behind
closed doors, however, the Minister nervously asks their staff, "Do you
think I’m doing okay?"
Minister of Out (שר החוץ)
Every morning, the Minister of Out steps onto a balcony with
binoculars, observing everything happening beyond Israel’s borders. A barking dog in a neighbor’s yard?
That calls for a diplomatic protest. A plane flying overhead? Time to call the
UN.
Demonstrators
frequently gather below the balcony, shouting, "Look inside for
once!" The Minister waves dismissively, replying, "My job is out
there, not in here!"
Minister of the Face (שר הפנים)
The Minister of the Face has one mission: to keep Israel’s
face looking good. The
Ministry distributes state-sponsored skincare products, organizes National
Makeup Days, and launches campaigns against "wrinkles of corruption."
In times of
crisis, the Minister addresses the nation with an inspiring message:
"Smile, citizens! You’re on camera!" Meanwhile, demonstrators march
with slogans like, "A pretty face won’t fix the system!"
Minister of Health (שר הבריאות)
The Minister of Health rules over the nation’s well-being
with an iron fist—or rather, a fitness band. Every morning begins with a mandatory national warm-up broadcast live on
all channels. Protesters, however, refuse to comply, chanting: "We need
hospitals, not jumping jacks!"
"The
health of the nation is my responsibility," the Minister declares while
sipping a kale smoothie. Meanwhile, police disperse demonstrators with
"wellness sprayers" filled with organic ginger water.
Minister of Upbringing (שר החינוך)
The Minister of Upbringing is torn between two roles:
teaching good manners and creating something "great." Their Ministry publishes self-help
books like "How to Raise Yourself Properly" and "Protest
Etiquette for Beginners."
Protesters
outside the Ministry chant: "Teach us math, not manners!" The
Minister, however, insists that national character is more important than test
scores.
Minister of Moving People (שר התחבורה)
The Minister of Moving People takes their role very
seriously—perhaps too seriously. Public transportation schedules are rewritten
daily, and citizens are encouraged to "move more" through mandatory
walking zones and citywide cycling initiatives.
Under the
Minister’s leadership, buses have been replaced with oversized golf carts, and
traffic lights now feature motivational messages like, "Keep going!"
and "Don’t stop now!"
Critics
accuse the Minister of creating chaos, with protesters carrying signs reading,
"We want to move forward, not in circles!" The Minister defends their
policies, stating: "A moving nation is a thriving nation!"
To further
encourage movement, the Ministry launched a pilot program where citizens earn
"Mobility Points" for every step they take. These points can be
redeemed for bus tickets, although buses no longer run on time—or at all.
Minister of Spreading Out (שר התפוצות)
The Minister of Spreading Out believes the world is too
small for all Israelis to live in one place. To solve this "problem," the Ministry launched an app offering
discounts on one-way tickets to remote destinations. Borders now feature
cheerful signs reading, "Welcome! Time to think about a new home."
But the
Minister doesn’t work alone. In a close partnership with the Minister of Moving
People, the two ministries ensure smooth departures for citizens. Public buses
are rerouted to airports, ships are reserved for "relocation
cruises," and even moving vans are subsidized for those willing to pack up
and go.
Citizens,
however, suspect that the real goal of this cooperation is to reduce the number
of protesters filling the streets of Tel Aviv. "Less people, less
protests," critics joke.
The Prime
Minister has privately praised their efforts, as every citizen who leaves is
one less person shouting outside their residence. "It’s not just a
policy—it’s a strategy," the Minister of Spreading Out declares.
Protesters
outside the Ministry chant, "We’re not leaving!" to which the
Minister cheerfully replies, "But think of the adventure!"
Minister of Trials (שר המשפטים)
The Minister of Trials wakes up each morning ready to put
the nation to the test—literally. Each day features a "National Trial," such as debating whether
pineapple belongs on pizza or resolving how to split Tel Aviv traffic lanes
between scooters and bikes.
Protesters
often disrupt trials, chanting: "Justice is not a game!" But the
Minister shrugs, declaring: "Justice isn’t just blind—it’s
entertaining!"
Minister of Inner Confidence (השר
לביטחון פנים)
The
Minister of Inner Confidence ensures citizens feel secure—both in their homes
and on the streets. However, weekly protests outside the Ministry suggest
otherwise.
Once, the
Minister accidentally locked themselves in their office, prompting nationwide
laughter. Protesters seized the opportunity, chanting: "Lock
yourself in forever!"
Head of the Government (ראש הממשלה)
Despite the title, the Head of the Government is noticeably
missing one crucial thing: a head. The government runs on autopilot while the Head tries to balance
coalition demands and public protests.
Staff
whisper that the Head lost their mind years ago during a heated parliamentary
debate. Protesters gather daily outside their residence, shouting, "No
head, no leadership!" The Head waves back, blissfully unaware of
their chants.
Conclusion
Each of
these ministers embodies their title literally, delivering exactly what their
names promise—whether anyone asked for it or not. Protests may erupt weekly,
but perhaps their absurdity is what keeps the nation running.
Disclaimer:
All
characters, events, and ministries in this story are entirely fictional. Any
resemblance to actual persons, organizations, or events is purely coincidental
and unintentional. This story is created solely for humor and satire.
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